Without you
by Vanillaberries
Summary: She could feel her heart breaking in two, as she ran down the alleyway, tears streaming down her face.   She loved him, but did he ever love her? *Oneshot*


Without you

Okay well I thought I'd do a oneshot on Lily and James, a little fluff.

I hope its not too confusing (:

Disclaimer: As much as I love Sirius Black and James Potter, JK Rowling is the amazing author of HP.

***HP****

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she hurried down the alleyway, clutching her bag with her. It was so dark and clouds had taken over the sky as few drops of water started to fall. Those slight drops turned into pouring rain; her hair, now wet, stuck to her face, as water cascaded down her cheeks, whether it was the rain or her tears she did not know.

How could he do that? He knew she loved him, had fallen for him , he had made her fall for him! His stupid cocky smile, signature Potter smirk, windswept hair, and oh, those eyes. The one thing she could stare at for ages; his eyes, his hazel eyes with golden flecks with them. She thought they had once looked at her with love, respect and so much more. But now, the only image that filled her head were those eyes that stared at her, as if to say mockingly, 'How could you think I ever loved you?'

She eventually gave up running and leaned against a nearby wall, sliding down it in the process. She didn't care that she was freezing or that her clothes were soaked completely, the only thing she felt right now was heartbreak. Heart bloody break.

She winced as she remembered the time she first knew she loved James Potter, the day she had fallen for him completely.

****Flashback****

_Lily came out of the Charms classroom, heading down to the lake, where most of her friends would meet up. As she came closer, she could see the messy but familiar mop of black hair, and Emily's dark hair._

_She smiled as she walked towards them, seeing everyone laugh at something Sirius had said and wondering what was so funny._

"_Hey, you guys," she said, looking down at them. _

_Her friends grinned up at her before Sirius pulled her down and she let a loud scream of surprise. She hit him playfully on the arm, as the other laughed and Sirius gave a cheeky wink at her._

"_Hey Lily, we've got rounds together today, just to remind you," James told her, giving her his cheeky smile._

_Lily raised at her eyebrows at him and replied back, "Me? Forget rounds? Pfft, pointing the finger at the wrong person, James."_

_He let out a short laugh, and inside, she leapt for joy; she loved James' laugh and would try to get that sound out of him when she could._

_Remus suddenly let out a groan as he looked at his watch._

"_Ugh, I've got to Madame Pomfrey. Something about my 'furry little problem' " he said, looking at James when he said this. James laughed as both Lily and Emily put an arm round Remus and smiled at him comfortingly. _

_Sirius stood up too and then grinned wickedly. Lily looked at him warily, knowing there was some sort of plan forming in his mind._

"_What are you upto now Sirius?" she asked, sighing. He simply smiled at her innocently, then winked._

"_Oi Prongs, care to join me with carrying out that lovely plan we discussed earlier," he said, grinning at his best friend._

_James shook his head and said, "Got to sort out Quidditch practice soon and have rounds later. Do it on your own this time but don't forget to tell me what happens!"_

_Sirius winked, then dragged Emily up, claiming she was his new partner in crime, even though she screamed and hit Sirius along the way. Peter squeaked and ran after them,_

_leaving James and Lily to laugh at the sight._

"_So, what should we do know?" James turned to Lily, a wicked gleam in his eye._

"_Whatever you're not thinking, James Potter!" she laughed and squealed as he lifted her up and took her down with him into the water._

"_James Potter, you're going to suffer a painful death!" she screamed, as she surfaced the water. He just chuckled and tried to race after her in the water._

_An hour later, they both lay under the tree, drying off as they talked generally._

_James looked inquisitive for a moment before he turned his head on the grass, to face Lily\s and asked curiously, "Lily, what made you become friends with me?"_

_She sighed and looked at him, smiling slightly. _

"_I used to think you were a big-headed prat with an ego the size of England. I also thought you were an arrogant bully who tortured Sev- the slytherins for no reason."_

_James coughed and gave her a playful glare. "Enough with the insults already, Evans. You tortured me for six years already."_

_Lily laughed and continued, "I guess I never saw your actual personality because I was too stubborn to admit that you actually had some good in you. But I suppose you changed a lot over the summer and proved you could actually be a good friend of mine."_

_James' face turned slightly more serious as he smiled warmly at her and squeezer her hand, then letting go, asker her, more cautiously, "Lily, why did you pick a fight with me earlier this year when we were friends, but I was with Penny?"_

_Lily quickly turned to him, startled by his question. She stuttered for a bit, before realizing that she was blushing a deep shade of red. Clearing her throat, she said, "You know I had a fight with Emily that day, AND I had gotten a hate letter from my sister. On top of that, Remus was angry at me, so I guess all that rage and sadness made me feel as if someone else was also giving up on me. And you know, we just became friends and stuff…"_

_James smiled once more, and said more softly, "Lily, I could never give up on you. Hell Lily, I was crazy about you for six years and that doesn't go away so easily, now does it?" He laughed again and winked at her. She blushed even more, smiling softly at what he had just said._

_Then he turned to look at the sky, where the sun was just setting, and there were rays of pruple, blue and yellow taking over. Lily could hear him sigh and she turned to look at him, taking in every feature of his face. The meaningful hazel eyes, his glasses, his mouth curved upwards in a smile and the strands of black hair that fell slightly over his face._

_And it was then that Lily realized, she didn't just see James Potter as a friend. She loved him._

_*****Flashback*****_

She wept even more as the memory came rushing back to her, and the months that followed it, where they had finally had become something more and life seemed so perfect.

But it was all a lie; her life would never be perfect again. It started off with Emily, her parents and now James.

Emily had been going out with Sirius since the beginning of Seventh Year, and both graduated from Hogwarts very much in love. Lily honestly never thought that there'd ever be a bigger betrayal than the one she got from Sirius.

Her best friend had gotten a call from James, to tell her that Sirius was slightly drunk and to make sure he had gotten home safe. Emily had rushed over to his apartment, which only led to a discovery which broke her heart completely.

She saw Sirius, drunk completely, with a woman in his bed, laughing alongside him; and when she entered, Lily could only imagine the expression of shock that must have passed of both his and her faces.

Lily let out a loud sob once more, crying for her best friend this time, and the horrible heartbreak she suffered in the few months leading after that betrayal. Lily would come home from training everyday to find her best friend, slumped on the couch, doing something absent mindedly, but with tears streaming down her face. It had pained her so much to see this sight, and it made her want to make Sirius suffer for the pain he had caused her best friend. She hardly acknowledged Sirius after that but eventually started to make slight conversation when James convinced her that Sirius was just as depressed as Emily, maybe even more, and he was drunk when this happened.

She smiled slightly, thinking now that both Emily and her had an excuse to fight against the two boys. Then she came back to reality as the truth hit her hard once more.

Her parents. They had left her too, in this world where she thought she had finally come to understand it, but after their death, she realized there was a lot still to learn. She had underestimated Voldemort's power when Dumbledore told her to be cautious, and now she had paid for it.

Rose and Andrew Evans were both dead, murdered in their own home, by people that were triggered by Lily's magical ability and blood. Petunia was right when she had blamed her and screamed at her; it was all her fault, she was the only one to blame.

She winced once again as she remembered the night after they died, the comfort James had given Lily, no one could ever give her again. He had soothed her as she cried into his shoulder the whole night and never even got frustrated with her once. He didn't even fight against Petunia, which was a thing he normally did, and Lily couldn't help but wish for him to do those things again. To have him around again.

She tried to remember, through all the bad memories flooding into her mind, the last time he had said 'I love you' to her. Was he just pretending then to keep her happy for a while or was it actually genuine? Lily wished she could find out.

****Flashback****

_She slammed the door shut as she walked through the room, tired and frustrated, after a hard day of Auror training. Moody had constantly tried to hex her so she was constantly on edge. But she smiled, she'd finally meet James after what seemed like a lifetime! Ofcourse, they saw each other in training, but it wasn't so the same. James had been partnered up with Loretta Chang, a slutty girl who had graduated from Hogwarts too. _

_She heard a sound coming from the kitchen and went towards it, wand raised in apprehension. She dropped it when she saw it was only James, trying to make pancakes but failing. She started giggling as he turned to look at her, then gave her a death glare, and went on failing._

_She helped him clean up then made some hot chocolate as they sat on the sofa together. _

"_What were you doing, trying to make pancakes?" she asked him, amused._

"_Don't laugh. I was trying to give you a nice surprise."_

_At this comment, Lily smiled shyly and the blush rose to her cheeks. The insides of her stomach even started to flutter. Even after a year of dating, he still had the same effect on her. _

_He leaned in and gave her a sweet kiss, to which she responded enthusiastically. She sighed, she had been waiting since they could be alone together like this._

_She felt her eyes tearing up as she realized how little time she spent with James, and the chance of just growing apart was so big. James seemed to notice this on his face because he immediately put an arm round her, and asked her, "Lily what's wrong? Why are you crying? Did I do something?"_

_She just sniffed and shook her head; then holding on to his hand, she said, "James, can you pro-promise me something? Please don't leave me."_

_He smiled and nuzzled his head into her neck. "Lily I wouldn't leave you if you even begged me to go away. I love you, Lily."_

_At this statement, Lily smiled widely and leaned in to kiss him, reassured that nothing could go wrong with their relationship._

*****Flashback****

How she had been so wrong. There was something wrong in her relationship and she didn't realise it as it passed. For their next assignment for Auror training, they were paired up and made to work with their partner for two months. Lily had been paired up with Dorcas Meadows, who she knew from Hogwarts and was friends with.

But James, James had to be paired up with Tiffany Finn. Lily wasn't too worried when they were paired up together, in fact she was glad that James had been paired up with someone who was friendly and whom she knew. What she didn't know was that all her assumptions had been wrong.

As time passed, they started spending more and more time together, first only for work, then it used to be 'Sorry Lily, promised Tiffany I'd meet her for coffee, you know just to discuss things.' or 'Ah can't. You know, got to meet Tiffany, she wanted to just get to know me better.'

And then the frustration kicked in; he would come home late, once he even forgot about their date, and the thing she thought of the most was the missing 'I love you's. Emily told her once to be careful, to talk to James about these growing fears inside her, but she ignored the advice and pretended to be happy.

But everyday, she would wonder, what is he doing with Tiffany, is he having more fun with her than with me, does he have feelings for her? These worries started to eat her way, but she was sure he never noticed; the others did, Remus and Sirius and Emily and even Peter, noticed there was something wrong with Lily. But he never did.

Then she tried to explain it to him once, what was going wrong with her and did he even worry. Lily felt another tear run down her cheek as she remembered the vague answer that followed afterwards.

****Flashback*****

The front door shut and Lily could hear James' footsteps heading towards the bedroom. She didn't move or do anything, just lay on the bed, waiting. He opened the door, and stopped short when he saw her there. He smiled at her and lay down next to her putting an arm around her. She shrugged it off as he looked at her quizzically.

Finally, Lily sighed and looked down, close to tears. She asked him, "Where were you, James? I thought we were going to Sirius' for dinners today?"

He looked slightly guilty at the sound of her words but quickly regained himself and shot back, "Does it matter? Look Lily, not everyone's as smart as you, alright? Me and Tiff are really behind on this assignment and we just need to catch up alright?"

Her head turned to look at him, so many emotions running through her eyes as they looked through James' hazel ones. The hurt was visible on her face as she stood up and choked out, "Tiff is it? Alright I get it. It's fine, I guess I should just leave you to complete your work."

And with that, she fled the room, escaping to Emily's apartment, where her best friend was waiting for her with open arms.

James lay back on his bead, closed his eyes in pain, thought of those haunting evil red eyes, let out a groan of anger and frustration and punched the pillow.

******Flashback*****

Maybe he had loved her; maybe he did still, somehow. She knew that wherever she was, that hope would live with her, that he'd realise that he still loved her.

The fights had grown worse, Lily thought to herself. They had grown on top of each other and everyday James grew more and more distant from Lily. It was torture, seeing their relationship break apart like this, hearing her heart crack even further every time they fought.

Breaking up with him was a lot harder than she figured; she had thought since they were so distant anyways, it wouldn't be much of a change. But how she was so wrong.

*Flashback*

_She had entered their apartment, putting her coat on the back of the chair, before heading to the bedroom, where she could hear someone laughing._

_Lily opened the door curiously, but her heart skipped a beat when she saw the sight in front of her._

_James and Tiffany were on the floor, sitting cross legged, as James showed her some of his albums from Hogwarts, and she giggled, in a flirty way, Lily thought._

_Both James and Tiffany looked up, James his face slightly surprised._

_Tiffany gave Lily a fake smile and exclaimed, "Lily! Oh it's wonderful to see you again! James was just showing me some old albums from Hogwarts!"_

_Lily hardly took in anything the blonde girl said, but just nodded slightly and continued to look at James. She realized he wasn't meeting her eyes and her heart ached, knowing that they weren't as close as they used to be and he was hiding something from her._

_James finally broke the silence and said, "Well, um, Tiff, I'll see you tomorrow okay?" as he got up to hand her, her coat and bags. She smiled and nodded, and said her goodbyes, but not before she hugged James._

_Lily's eyes flashed as she saw the girl holding her boyfriend tightly; 'How dare she?' Lily thought._

_Once they heard the front door shut, Lily turned to stare at her boyfriend. Her eyes flashed once again as she rose to her full height and said dangerously,_

"_What was that?"_

"_Tiffany just came round for some coffee, and I was just showing her some albums. No big deal Lily!"_

"_Yeh I could see you two were having real fun!"_

"_Lily can you just please get over the whole jealousy thing! I'm your boyfriend aren't I, not Tiffany's?"_

"_Yeh but you act more like hers than mine!"_

_At this point, James took a step closer to her, so their faces were merely centimetres apart and shouted, "Well you know WHAT? I think I would prefer that!"_

_Lily's eyes opened in shock at this comment, and her eyes turned glassy as the tears started to form. James winced slightly at the sound of her choked sob, but when she looked up again, her eyes were filled with fury._

"_You know what James? I'm sick of it, I'm sick of YOU! Emily warned me about this, and I should have listened to her! You never act like my boyfriend anymore and you take me for granted ALWAYS! And go ahead with Tiffany because as of now, WE'RE OVER!"_

_And with that she turned round, but before she could storm out of the door, James caught her wrist and spun her round. He crushed her lips under his and held her tightly, as she twisted his hair with her hands. He didn't want to let go; 'Make this special James, she's gonna leave you. It's for the best, but make sure you have the goodbye' he thought._

_She pulled back, looking at him with a shocked expression before a tear ran down her cheek, followed by many others. She sobbed right there; he wanted to reach out to her, apologise for the grief he had caused, but he knew if he did so, everything he had done before would be for nothing._

_She choked back a sob and looked up to him, with a heartbreaking expression._

"_I love you James, but sometimes I need to feel wanted to. Nowadays, it's like the only love between us is from me."_

_And with that, Lily fled the room, sobbing her eyes out, as she came face to face with what she had just done._

_James stared at the doorway, where Lily had just run out of, a few seconds ago. He sunk down onto his bed, allowing a single tear to creep down his cheek as he smelt the amazing strawberry smell of Lily._

*****Flashback****

That was two hours ago; afterwards Lily fled from the house, and entered the Leaky Cauldron, where people gave her strange looks. Afterwards she fled down, but a storm came and she was forced to take refuge in the alleyway.

Knowing she had to get out of there soon, Lily apparated to her appartment, knowing that Emily might be there. But she was wrong, Emily had gone out and left a note on the fridge to say so.

Lily sighed and put her coat on the table, shaking her hair of water, as she walked towards her bedroom.

Suddenly, she noticed a small white paper on floor, followed by a series of others leading to her bedroom. She picked the note up and read it, her face paling as she took in the meaning of it.

Mr Potter,

It has come to my notice that you are an exceptionally talented wizard of your age, of course taking after your parents. Knowing your blood status, I would like to offer you to join us, a leige of great people. Another thing, drop the mud blood or else…

Lord Voldemort

Lily's eyes widened as she finished reading; who had put this here?

She picked up the next note and read it,

Mr Potter,

I am extremely disappointed to hear of your refusal of joining us. Now, your filthy mud blood girlfriend, or else I'll make it my personal pleasure to have her finished off.

Lord Voldemort

Lily couldn't believe her eyes; when had these letters even been sent to James? He had not even told her about these. Slowly, she started to realise, what he had done.

As she read the rest of the notes, the threats got worse and worse. James may have been trying to protect her but this was crazy! He should have told her or taken these to Dumbledore!

Curiously, the notes stopped before the door of her bedroom; she creaked it open to find him sitting there on the bed.

His hair looked windswept, and his mouth was curved into a slight smile. But his eyes, his eyes were filled with 100 different emotions Lily couldn't even register; but mostly she could see his eyes telling her how sorry he was.

He took both her hands, pulling her slightly towards him, and stroked her cheek before whispering to her,

"I love you Lily Evans, and no one can ever stop that."


End file.
